hello folks, welcome to planet melancholy

SO, here's how it goes...
Recently I guess i've had a few spurts of... change. I don't take kindly to change, I don't know why, i'm never fully satisfied with my life (than again who is?) but change makes me feel new and scared. I've had alot of change with no good outcomes.
Firstly, my best friend is no longer so. I had no regrets, it was my choice. What had started off as a very cool relationship between two girls turned into the predictable jealousy thing over a matter of three years. She was always possesive, two years ago she cut off complete contact with one of our dearest friends after finding out that he had asked out a girl and gave us a mere wave instead of a semi-sexual hug when running into him in the city. I thought this a little rough, but I couldn't make her decisions for her. I however kept friends with person (let's just call him D). This is vital to know. Anyway, she refused to speak to D and spoke badly of him constantly (infact, she completley douched theentire group minus myself) I guess that's when the change began. The next year she dropped out of highschool, turned into a racist trend-following hypocrite, and became irritatingly possesive. For example, she shunned me for week after hearing that I went to a club with some other friends). I guess she was feeling left out, I was 18 and legal and she wouldn't be for months, but she couldn't expect me to wait around for her all the time. I tried, believe me I did, but whenever the subject of hanging out occured her excuses were usually based on "I have no money" or "i'm on my period". Eventually it became too much, we were alike at the start but were both rapidly chaning. I guess she expected me to change with her. I felt it happening, and her jealousy and sabotage was killing me.
I ended it ended simply. I just didn't call her. That's it. No harsh words, no nothing. I merely deleted her from myspace top friends (or made my top friends invisible) and didn't call. She didn't call either, it was a two way thing. But I didn't feel so bitter about it. I miss her, but the way she used to be. I don't like her new personality.

So I was minus a friend, but that's how it goes.
This was 3 months ago

part two commences a month later, in which a close male friend (let's call him C) gets a little too close.

don't worry, it all ties together...

You have to know that our 'group' is pretty tight knit. We've all got our quirks, that's why we all get along. C,D, my boyfriend of a years (and a bit) and are all major players in this group. D was away traveling, as he had been for the year, in an odd way the shit hit the ceiling when D got back.

After C admitted his feelings things got awkward, he was good friends with my boyfriend and became bitter of the two of us. We still live by the hope that someday we'll be great friends again.
I was looking forward to D's return, we all missed him and his raging parties and get togethers.
D gets back, and within the second day of his return C blurts out his attraction to me. This freaked me out, I felt guilty for some reason or another, like an evil seductress or something. That's things getting bad

I notice D has neglected his usual parties, we don't talk like we used to and within the time he's been back (approximatley a month) I have seen very little of him. I'm not sure if it's for any other reason (such as missing his girlfriend who is still traveling) or merely that he feels awkward around me because of the C inncedent. That's things getting a little worse

My boyfriend is slightly withdrawn, I feel this strange guilt, it's like i'm being blackmailed or something. D promised me he wouldn't tell my boyfriend of C's feelings, for fears of awkwarding good friendships. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell, but C remained bitter. Now my boyfriend spends most of his time with D (naturally, they're best friends ofcourse). There's nothing wrong with this, it's expected, but I guess I feel useless or lonely or something. And with the way things have been going I feel as if my friendships are dropping with great speed. That's things getting much worse.

And now the real motherfucker- ex best friend suddenly decided to start talking to D again. He tells me he's not taking sides, and I agree, but I know it's total bullshit. He should take fucking sides! Damn right he should! I stoodby his side while she acted like a mega-bitch! He should be on my side all the way!
Unfortunatly for me, that's not how it goes. You see, D is friends with ex besties sisters and the four of them (2 sisters, ex bestie and D) have hung out a few times (it's still more than we've hung out). Infact, my boyfriend and D went to a party with them, and my boyfriend tells me that ex vestie takes him away and asked if we were still together, after he proudly said "yes" she replied "Y'know she totally slept with C". Fucking bitch! Slept with him> What bullshit! and even so, why would she bad mouth me to my boyfriend when I did nothing wrong to her! Fucking little cow!

And D is still chatting to her, she's everywhere I turn and I can just feel that she's working her way into our group again, just to spite me, and ofcourse that means i'm out. My only salvation in this is that I'll still have my boyfriend, but what about MY rightful friends?! My boyfriend could easily go anyway. Fuck fuck fuck it!

Oh, I don't even have school anymore. I'm fresh out, finished in November, and the parents are bugging me to get a job and move out. I fucking will, it's not that fucking easy! I'm just out of school, and all of a sudden i'm supposed to know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life! I feel like a fucking dissapointment to everyone. I've screwed things up with C and I, and things with D have been screwed up for me. I just don't know what the hell's going on, and it feels like everything's rapidly changing.

All I can think to myself is that I have to get out of here. It's like too much is happening and I can't stay here and watch my life turn to shit, I just wanna go and make a new one. It takes six grand at the least to get to L.A, I make $250 a fortnight. Shit. I know running away doesn't solve anything, but I don't care. I'd rather be the leaver than be left.

And I keep telling myself how unfair this is, like a prized fucking angsty teen.
I just don't know anymore. I hate that I feel like i'm losing my friends, especially to my bitchy ex. I hate that she had to change in the first place. I hate that I don't know what to do with my life and I hate that i'm slowly being forgotten. And y'know what, I hate them all for it, too.