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First of all I'm a dickhead and some people reading this might even say I'm the king of dickhead kingdom who's obviously into that zero punctuation crap from the escapistmagazine. But other than that I'm a pretty mediocre, overweight guy who likes wearing red, black and white ties for reasons even I can't explain. But let's get to the point. Once upon a time when I was even sillier than I am today (and trust me, that's quite hard) I went to a chatroom in an attempt to fight mindfucking boredom when all the other shit at my home couldn't do the trick, and I had a nice chat with a girl. YES! A GIRL, that thing all you nerdy weirdos reading this text can only dream of. After some time had passed I met up with her, we started making out and eventually became what normal people would call boyfriend and girlfriend. So far so good, although the facts that she was flat-chested like a 5-year-old, stabbed my brain with awful words and phrases in an argument and she had a past which was as black as 50cent's arse...inside!... was rather bad than good. But never mind, the point I wanna make is that if you really love someone you don't give a fuck! And that's what I did, though her past kept stabbing the back of my head everytime I wasn't looking and you can't even blame it for doing so when you're girlfriend was swinging herself from one dick to another when she still was half of a child, fucking dimwitted retards and old geezers that were twice as old as her and could almost have been her own father. And here I was trying not to give a DAMN, even if every religion in this world would have given her death penalty for all the sexual sins she committed but since I'm not religious at all I leave the word to my friend Mr. Common Sense declaring her a whore while the only way for me to disagree is to say that she wasn't a whore while she was with me! OK, I lost the thread here................
found it!
I was taking her to a castle to have candlelight dinner with me on her 18th birthday, bringing flowers now and then, taking her to fucking Bulgaria to have a vacation, buying a ring for christmas (and not what you think, YOU IMPATIENT BULLOCK!) etc. etc. Then she went half a year to Ireland and I was off to England for almost the same reason 2 months later but not without paying her a visit beforehand, wasting a fortune to see her for 2 fucking days. After arriving in England I planned my next stay with her in Ireland, booking flights and all this shit you have to do when you wanna travel some absolutely irrelavant hundreds of miles and three days before I was about to go I received an eMail from her telling me to fuck off (well, to be fair she used some other words but that's the gist of it) and I shouldn't come to Ireland. Now I want you to imagine me, trying for 15 months to get flight tickets to „Happily-Ever-After-Land“ and when I finally got them and the both of us are standing at „Lovely-Couples-Airport“, at the check-in she suddenly kicks my balls so hard that I'm not able to get up for 2 months and she leaves me lying at the airport whistling a jolly song while I keep asking myself WHAT THE FUCK? That's how I felt. So I still had the flights booked and rather than staying at home, becoming even more retarded than I already am and starting to hit brick walls with my head, I went to the homeland of drunkenness nevertheless trying to sort things out the nice way. I met her, we talked about it and everything was fine again. All's well that ends well...NOT, cause this is not a fucking hollywood romantic pussy movie, that is reality, Ruffy, you emo-masochistic, stupid weirdo, and if it was, than the script would have been written by Hitler himself. So this is what actually happened: I went to her flat and nobody opened after I rang so I waited some fucking 3 or 4 hours in front of it while the diarrhea of my own stupidity dropped out of my ears. When I tried again a flatmate of her's opened telling me to fuck off... AGAIN! So I went to a hostel, sharing a room with 19 other people, most of them being backpackers that needed a shower more than a 5 kg turd needs to be flushed away, and in the evenings I went out to see my new friend, Mr. „Pint of Guinness“, who successfully convinced me every night that people are shit. I'm shit, you are shit, she's shit, and everyone else is shit. Except for Santa Clause, he is OK. Probably because I was still drunk like a monkey on fermented fruit I went to her flat again on my last day although I felt like I was digging my own grave with the epitaph on the gravestone saying „Here lies the most retarded bugger the world has ever seen“. Nobody opened so I went back to England, having experienced another big disappointment after my band kicked me as lead singer earlier this year because they finally realized that I'll be away for 6 months which I told them A YEAR BEFORE... retards!...Everything I was working on for more than a year turned out to be a giant turd and I didn't even know why. Perhaps because everytime Ms. Flat-Chest said „I love you“ she actually wanted to say „Fuck you, bastard“ but then thought that she might say something nicer because she probably could miss out the next insanely expensive present I was going to make and a nice time in bed. Honestly, I think that everytime she said that sentence it was just a huge pile of shit that decided to come out her mouth other than her arse... but don't get me wrong. I still had a nice time as long as it lasted but the problem is, that she rendered it almost meaningless considering her immature, utterly stupid actions that had the same effect as mixing Branston Pickle with... honey and top it up with freshly loo-picked excrements if the honey thing isn't sick enough for you, you Sicko!! The way she broke up was soooo stupid and humiliating, that even all of her retarded ex-boyfriends, fuck-buddies, one-night-stands and a couple of stinking bums would point their finger at me and laugh at me. Still, I think that at the deepest ground of the ocean filled with shit where her character swims 10 lanes per minute... there lies the adorable girl that I once loved.
When it comes down to relationships there are 3 categories: Horny, affection and way high above that... true love. If I would put her into one of these she might be in the middle of horny and affection and though she might disagree and would start kicking my balls again for that assumption and additionally stating that I'm a dickhead who got infected with rabies, I think that's right cause even if she was just „affected“ she wouldn't have treated me like this. Next to other relevant things like trust, a relationship is about love, love, love and did I mention love? And if I really love someone I wouldn't kick his balls with a sick smile on my face. Honestly!
„So what's the big deal? Fuck that, bitch!“, you might say, but that's probably because you are an ignorant, dimwitted and chauvinist chef-guy like the majority of young men in this world which is overcrowded by crap. People said to me that I shouldn't care, but the fact that I wrote this assholean, bastardous, ridiculously stupid text shows that I actually do! So shut up and read the conclusion!
Yeah, shit happens, and if it wasn't for the complete shittiness of all the people who can bite my arse, I probably wouldn't grow the way I do, which is good, but after being dumped like an asshole who deserves no better, being constantly kicked in the balls for whatsoever reason... I still have feelings, which is baaaad! As bad as a T-Rex, having fun with biting off your extremities just to see if you can still run away afterwards, laughing his head off. So if you are reading and you are 19, flat-chested, your first name begins with the letter that looks like a certain tetris-block, your last name almost means parakeet if translated into the right language and you are probably sucking the cock of a retarded latino guy named... Eduardo!...at the moment, then... Horray for you!! Because you just made a person who would have done anything for you actually hate you! And here I have some advice for you: Stop being a cunt! No, honestly: STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT! And before you are going back into your habit of leaving your door (with door being a metaphor) open to whatever cock that knocks on it, you might as well think about what you've done for a second and maybe you realise that guys like me don't grow on FUCKING TREES! But if that ever happens I'll probably living the dream that you had by travelling the world, taking care of people who actually need me and appreciate what I do for them. And before that I will spend my time with people who actually give a fuck about me. So I hope you enjoy your freedom of fucking anything that wettens your panties because that is the only freedom you DIDN'T HAVE WHILE BEING WITH ME, stop making others scapegoats and responsible for the problems you have with yourself and some day you might be able to hit shore and to leave the sea of diarrhea you are swimming in right now. But till then continue to fuck for fuck's sake (höhöhö, nice pun because I mean it literally with no feelings and... OH SHUT UP, RUFFY!!) and have fun with your immature life while being kept in a cage made of cookies by your own parents, and I hope your bitchy arse will rot somewhere in the desert of Nevada, eaten by vultures that pray to the holy squid, you strange person!
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Originally Posted by Ruffy 
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